Vivid.

It has been a difficult adjustment returning to work in the office.  I am learning that if you want balance, sometimes you have to do the opposite.  I have reminders set on my calendar to take breaks, drink water, and "get outta here" at the end of the day.  It's very tiring.  I try to make time for fun events and time with friends and family because that is nurturing to me; the opposite of draining.  The opposite of hard work is rest and relaxation.  I am disappointed with myself that I don't get to the gym as often or I don't cook as often after a long day.  I was told ahead of time that this would probably be a process of two steps forward and three steps back.  Knowing that ahead of time was helpful because on days when I was too rushed to take breaks and neck and back pain returned, I told myself tomorrow will be a better day.  I try to keep looking ahead and not stay focused on what seems like backwards steps.  Sometimes I feel discouraged that I don't have life all figured out yet but who really does anyway?  My life is a work in progress and I continue to love, live and learn.

I introduced this blog mentioning part of my journey.  Let me bring you back in time to May 2012.  I was feeling stressed and kept getting up each day to drag myself to work in order to be responsible and be able to pay my bills.  After being overloaded with work for years, excitement was gone and motivation flickered away.  It was so draining that it was hard to do anything fun or creative after work or even on the weekends.  I was having recurring neck and back pain, tightness in my chest, a twitching eye, shortness of breath, lack of focus and fatigue.   I am thankful for a job but when it threatens health and well being, it is a problem.  For months, if I dreamed and remembered my dreams, they were often dreams of crisis where I was calmly helping others survive and escape from life threatening situations.  They were very intense and frightening.  In May, one morning I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had:

I was running in a marathon.  It was a cold, gray day.  There were others running ahead of me, aside me and behind me.  There was no cheering or encouragement.  Nobody cheered along the sidelines.  We did not have water to drink and breaks were not allowed.  Some people ahead of me were falling down from fatigue or injury and nobody helped them up.  They were getting trampled.  The race was at a high speed and if anyone fell behind, there was a wooden plank being held in the rear of the marathon.  This was pushed into the backs of those who were falling behind.  There was no prize at the end of the race and no reason for running.  Yet everyone that was running felt obligated to keep pushing themselves. 

I was tired and fell to the back of the racing crowd.  I felt the wooden plank being pushed into my back.  I wanted to give up and fall down but I was afraid that the plank would hit my head and knock me out.  I knew that if I fell, I would not be helped.  Then suddenly the thought crossed my mind that I might be able to duck down quickly at the right time and be safe from the draining marathon and the wooden plank in my back.  I realized that the people holding the wooden plank were those in management.  Quickly, I ducked down and fell to the floor.  I ducked under the wooden plank and those holding it kept pushing ahead.  I felt peace and relief.  I saw those in the marathon keep moving ahead at a fast pace and nobody looked back to see that I was on the ground.  I wasn't hurt.  I was free.  I woke up from the dream at that minute and had to get ready to go to work.

The dream was a vivid expression of my job.  I realized that I needed to find the right time to exit.  Months later after still struggling with anxiety and stress symptoms connected to the job, I went to the Emergency Room and was diagnosed with Bells Palsey.  I am thankful now that I am almost fully healed.  I am still strategizing for the next steps and for better days ahead.  The rainbow posted on my blog is from one day when I was driving home from physical therapy.  I was sad because the neurologist said I was healing but it may be another six months or more before I was fully healed, and there could be permanent nerve damage.  When I saw the rainbow on the way home, it was a sign of hope to me.  Stay tuned because each day I get closer to the better days!