Ending The Madness

What is this self inside us, this silent observer, Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us And urge us on to futile activity And in the end, judge us still more severely For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us? - T.S. Eliot, The Elder Statesman It does take work to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime, but at the end of the day, you are only being asked to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart... It's easier than you might think, and it could change your life. - Kristin Neff, Self Compassion - Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

Happy Day

I feel energetic happiness today.  Creativity is flowing too so I consider this a great day.  I want these days to be more consistent...not few and far between.  It has been another busy week at my full time job, however, it has not been as overwhelming as usual.  The workload is more bearable for a short time and I am savoring it. I am excited about my new business ventures and the more I focus on it, the more creative and excited I get.  I feel almost 100% healed.  My face doesn't feel strange or stiff as often when I am tired or feeling stressed.  The symmetry of my facial features is almost back to normal.  I am learning to face fear.  

Taking care of myself is a priority so other priorities and tasks are shifting.

Today I took a late lunch break to catch some of the beautiful day outside.  Stepping away and going out for a lunch break is atypical for me but I am trying to make it more of a habit.  I went to buy lunch and then went to browse for birthday gifts for my nephew and my niece.  The sun was bright and it was warm but not too hot.  I found fun, unique gifts.  I

 also bought scented markers and a drawing book for myself, along with a little ball that looks like a globe.  I realize now how I can find delight in childlike times.  I found scratch and sniff stickers in all sorts of scents.  Delightful.  I bought some for me and some for my niece...and then some.  

I went to the checkout area and waited for an associate.  A teacher approached with her hands full of school supplies.  Her hair was falling out of her ponytail.  She look frazzled.  I let her go ahead of me on the line after I saw she had placed a few other items on the counter earlier.  The associate asked, "What school do you work at?"  The teacher responded, "Oh, it's called Misery."  I said, "Really?  I work there too, but it's not a school."  We all laughed.  She finished paying and thanked me for letting her go ahead.  The kind gesture seemed to calm her a bit.  I paid for my goodies and went to my car to eat my lunch.  I returned to the office with one package of scratch and sniff stickers in hand.  I decided to share them.  I went to five different coworkers (after my work was done, of course...) and let them choose their own scratch and sniff sticker.  Each person was in the middle of pressure and frustrating work.  One woman was teary eyed because of a family situation she is also dealing with.  One woman hadn't slept for days because her one year old hasn't been sleeping much. Two were almost buried in paperwork, racing against the clock to solve problems before a deal closing.  Several of those women also have sleep deprivation.  Every one of them had a great big smile when I offered them a sticker.  I let them take one for themselves and one for each of their children.  I remember how much fun stickers used to be, and how almost every child likes them.   We quickly shushed our own laughter because there have been reprimands about laughter where we work.  I went back to my desk, thankful that I was able to bring joy to the people around me.  A small token to say, "I'm thinking of you" made a difference in the day for all of us.  

We went back to the grind but we felt a little stronger....a little lighter. 

Just Breath

These quotes and comments have also been helpful along the way... In the struggle of balance between working hard for a company and almost losing myself in the craze, I've noticed that some people and places drain from me and some people and places enrich and encourage me. When I make time to do things that are in alignment with the person I am (singing, playing instruments, laughing with family or friends, helping someone, feeling creativity flow, hosting a Kind Words party, baking, etc), I feel the positive effect. I feel healthy and happy. As I was talking with a massage therapist, she said, "When you do those kinds of things, you reclaim your life instead of just being a cog in someone else's wheel." In that same massage place, there are signs that say "Just Breath". I have to remember that. This is also meaningful to me: "There are two different types of people in the world. People that give energy and people that take energy..." - Jill Bolte Taylor "When you are knocked down and the odds are against you, just tune in to what you need and take care of what you need to do. You will be better off." - Oprah "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." -Lao Tzu "If the river has no rocks, it has no song." - Amish Proverb

Helpful Hints

One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging was to share my experiences and help others through similar struggles.  Anxiety became a struggle in the last two years and depression creeped in after Bell's Palsey did. I am so thankful for the gradual healing of my face and nervous system. I am also thankful for the love and strong support I have.  Part of my personality and my nature is striving for perfection and being hard on myself.  I am working through this and I am trying to learn to give myself more credit, instead of beating myself up and pushing myself too hard.  I remember how anxious I felt at the thought of returning to the office after working from home while recovering.  I was afraid I would lose ground and be sucked in and hurt again by the draining, toxic environment.  With the guidance of a psychotherapist, I began to list the tools I have now. I was re-entering the environment stronger than before and I was not alone. Some of the Tools that I listed were: Take breaks.  Drink water. Do the best you can and don't push yourself to finish everything immediately. Yoga.  Recharge with loved ones. Therapy. Listen to music more when possible. Take days off.  Give yourself more credit. On the day I was driving into the office for the first day back, a CD started playing in my car.  The song by Sade was so relevant and inspiring: "There's a long hard road ahead but something deep inside me said...It's gonna be alright."
 I repeated the song for the entire ride to work and felt its calming effect. I am determined to continue blogging here.  Even the thought of not writing each week bothers me.  It is on a long list in my mind of things I have to do.  One Saturday, as a friend and I were going out to eat lunch together, one of my friends said, "What's up with your blog? When are you going to write again??!"  I was irritated because it reminded me that I'm "behind" on that task. I responded abruptly with, "Why don't you try to work full time at my exact job and then keep up with a blog too!" She looked at me surprised and continued to say, "What I mean is the blog is a positive thing. It is well written and I enjoy reading it. I was wondering when you were going to write again." I felt a little better. I felt validated and a little more understood...and I was even more eager to write more.  I also felt a little bad for sounding snippy. It's hard for me to feel like I can't keep up with everything at once.  I used to sacrifice my time and my health to keep up. With a new perspective now, I am learning to keep my health and well being as a top priority. That means some other things are not important or they may have to wait.  It is a day by day journey. Sometimes a song will give me extra energy or inspiration. Sometimes it is a caring, genuine friend to ask how my day is or let me know they are thinking of me.  Sometimes it is fun adventures with my family that helps me feel better. Gratitude and deep breathing also help.  Dance classes have also been a great source of fun and freedom. Depression and anxiety are less now, thankfully.  I feel strongly that better days are ahead.  I am still in the thick of the struggle most days but I know I am going to get through it.  I look ahead to how far I want to go and I often think of all the things I did not get to do yet. In this moment though, I will take time to look back at how far I have come.
I CAN SMILE AGAIN!!! My eye closes on its own now, like it used to, and I can even whistle again. I do not have to stop to apply a heating pad and do face exercises every 2-3 hours anymore. All along, I completed my work and maintained my home and car. I am a new person and I will not be walked all over again. I was knocked down and the total knockout countdown started. I got back up though (again and again)and I'M NOT GIVING UP.  Thanks for reading my blog.  Feel free to comment.  May the blessings I've gained from the pain be meaningful to your life is many ways.

Vivid.

It has been a difficult adjustment returning to work in the office.  I am learning that if you want balance, sometimes you have to do the opposite.  I have reminders set on my calendar to take breaks, drink water, and "get outta here" at the end of the day.  It's very tiring.  I try to make time for fun events and time with friends and family because that is nurturing to me; the opposite of draining.  The opposite of hard work is rest and relaxation.  I am disappointed with myself that I don't get to the gym as often or I don't cook as often after a long day.  I was told ahead of time that this would probably be a process of two steps forward and three steps back.  Knowing that ahead of time was helpful because on days when I was too rushed to take breaks and neck and back pain returned, I told myself tomorrow will be a better day.  I try to keep looking ahead and not stay focused on what seems like backwards steps.  Sometimes I feel discouraged that I don't have life all figured out yet but who really does anyway?  My life is a work in progress and I continue to love, live and learn.

I introduced this blog mentioning part of my journey.  Let me bring you back in time to May 2012.  I was feeling stressed and kept getting up each day to drag myself to work in order to be responsible and be able to pay my bills.  After being overloaded with work for years, excitement was gone and motivation flickered away.  It was so draining that it was hard to do anything fun or creative after work or even on the weekends.  I was having recurring neck and back pain, tightness in my chest, a twitching eye, shortness of breath, lack of focus and fatigue.   I am thankful for a job but when it threatens health and well being, it is a problem.  For months, if I dreamed and remembered my dreams, they were often dreams of crisis where I was calmly helping others survive and escape from life threatening situations.  They were very intense and frightening.  In May, one morning I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had:

I was running in a marathon.  It was a cold, gray day.  There were others running ahead of me, aside me and behind me.  There was no cheering or encouragement.  Nobody cheered along the sidelines.  We did not have water to drink and breaks were not allowed.  Some people ahead of me were falling down from fatigue or injury and nobody helped them up.  They were getting trampled.  The race was at a high speed and if anyone fell behind, there was a wooden plank being held in the rear of the marathon.  This was pushed into the backs of those who were falling behind.  There was no prize at the end of the race and no reason for running.  Yet everyone that was running felt obligated to keep pushing themselves. 

I was tired and fell to the back of the racing crowd.  I felt the wooden plank being pushed into my back.  I wanted to give up and fall down but I was afraid that the plank would hit my head and knock me out.  I knew that if I fell, I would not be helped.  Then suddenly the thought crossed my mind that I might be able to duck down quickly at the right time and be safe from the draining marathon and the wooden plank in my back.  I realized that the people holding the wooden plank were those in management.  Quickly, I ducked down and fell to the floor.  I ducked under the wooden plank and those holding it kept pushing ahead.  I felt peace and relief.  I saw those in the marathon keep moving ahead at a fast pace and nobody looked back to see that I was on the ground.  I wasn't hurt.  I was free.  I woke up from the dream at that minute and had to get ready to go to work.

The dream was a vivid expression of my job.  I realized that I needed to find the right time to exit.  Months later after still struggling with anxiety and stress symptoms connected to the job, I went to the Emergency Room and was diagnosed with Bells Palsey.  I am thankful now that I am almost fully healed.  I am still strategizing for the next steps and for better days ahead.  The rainbow posted on my blog is from one day when I was driving home from physical therapy.  I was sad because the neurologist said I was healing but it may be another six months or more before I was fully healed, and there could be permanent nerve damage.  When I saw the rainbow on the way home, it was a sign of hope to me.  Stay tuned because each day I get closer to the better days!

Pollbuzzer

I enjoy trying new things and I love to learn.  Another aspect of my blog will be to share these new ideas and experiences with you.  POLLBUZZER is a real time research company that pays $1. for each question you answer in the required timeframe.  They also pay for referrals.  Quick and easy.  You can get survey questions emailed to you or sent via text message.  If you answer the question with that day, $1. is sent to you in a short timeframe.  They pay me via Paypal.  They may have other payment options.  Check it out:

http://pollbuzzer.com/?r=NXdxczZMOEdnQkpqb29DU0huZVpmdz090

Believe...

After less than a week back in the office environment of my job, I had intense back pain and was feeling exhausted and discouraged.  If I am taking breaks and working deliberately slower, why can't I hack it without pain and exhaustion?  I guess that is the old superhero ways talking.  I was discouraged because I like to live wholeheartedly.  It can be agonizing to have to repeat the same thing everyday if my heart is not in it.  I am forever responsible but this is another difficult time.  I hope to use this experience as a stepping stone to better days.  In the meantime, it feels like a constant uphill climb.

Instead of the usual "push through approach", I am learning to listen to my body.  I'm learning that it is OK to rest if I'm tired.  It's OK to stop working to eat lunch.  I decided to take a day off and I scheduled a massage, ordered breakfast at a nice diner nearby and took a nap.  I needed time to rest and I didn't even feel guilty about taking the time to take care of myself.  This is new!  Over the weekend, I relaxed with family and friends and I started to feel better again.  My family and friends are the ones who care for me.  So many of you have been sending healing thoughts and prayers my way.  I often get texts, calls and emails of encouragement and it has been such an important part of this process. (Thank you!!!)

In my work environment, I feel like I have to guard my health and well being.  Sometimes I feel discouraged if I feel it slipping away.  It doesn't take long to feel overwhelmed and the feeling of losing control.  Day by day they say.  After taking a day off and taking it easy, and enjoying time with loved ones, I realized that the joy and peace and wholehearted energy I have wasn't stolen after all. 
I realized that I have a choice in all of this.  Before this journey, I would not have even considered taking a day off after a week of struggle.  Although I am in a difficult environment, I have a new mindset.  So today is Wednesday.  I wish it was Friday but I am thankful for a new day.  I am blessed and forever grateful. 

Good grief, not this crap again...

Day 6 back in the office environment and I am feeling it... Neck, shoulder, upper and lower back pain is back.  I am taking breaks and leaving on time.  These are new habits I'm learning.  I am trying to take it easy yet it feels like an uphill climb.  I play music at my desk when I can and this has also been helpful.  The pressure is still taking a toll.

  This is a quote from October 2011 that is meaningful to me:
" Don't stay where you are not valued.  It is so foolish to waste your life on those who don't celebrate your worth.  Move On." - Anonymous
In the dream I had last May, it was crucial to move on at the right time.  I hope that time is soon...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" - Anais Nin

One Day

The old saying "One Day at a Time" is so good when I can remember it.  I am almost fully recovered from Bells Palsey and I will return to work in the office tomorrow.  I have been working all this time from home.  It has all been a difficult struggle.  When I think about tomorrow and the upcoming days in the high pressure, low appreciation environment, I feel anxious.  One day at a time.  Sometimes getting to the next meal is even more attainable... I am learning to ask for help when I need it.  This is new to my superhero tendencies.  I have had strong support in friends, family and even doctors. This support remains.  I've asked friends and family to reach out to me in anyway to remind me to take breaks and take care of myself.   Stay tuned for more of this journey...

Tell Them!

Encouraging words have always been meaningful to me.  I realize that this is not the only way to impact people.  I also see how kind, sincere, encouraging words are often rare... and precious.  
After a long struggle feeling overworked and pressured, then living with Bells Palsey and still feeling pressured to keep up, I started to feel depressed.  I was tired of trying so hard.  I wanted someone to care for me.  Since I was a little girl, I wanted peace.  I like to help people and one of my default modes is peacemaker and problem solver.  One of my long time goals is to make a difference in people's lives.  

During the recent depressing days, I pushed myself to go out with family and friends.  Part of this was for me and part was for them.  One of these nights was an awards ceremony for one of my nephews.  He was being awarded for academic success and I wanted to be there for him to support him.  Later that evening, as we were eating cookies in the school cafeteria, my brother was asked, "Who was your best teacher growing up?"  He quickly responded, "Melissa was."  When my brother was in elementary school, he attended the school that I was teaching at and he was in my class for a few years.  I was fairly new to teaching.  I was passionate and wholehearted.  I gave my best.  I didn't know until this night that I made such a great impact on my brother.  During my recent days and nights of depression, hearing that was like gold.  
Another time this past Easter, I was still feeling down and trying to heal.  Another one of my brothers was catching up with a cousin we grew up with.  He randomly mentioned that his favorite memory of Easter is when Melissa used to set up the egg hunts for "us kids."  Wow.  I remember having fun with the egg hunts.  I never knew that this became one of my cousin's favorite memories.  These two examples show how even a simple happy memory, or a kind word, or a thank-you-for-a-job-well-done a long time ago can be so meaningful.  It was like ointment to my wounds and strength in exchange for my weariness.  So, tell them!  You probably won't know exactly what the person is going through, but if you have any loving words that come to mind, tell them today!

A peek into my journey with a soul sucking job, Bells Palsey and other adventures...

Welcome!  I've started this blog to share some of my journey.  We all have ups and downs; good days and bad.   It was about seven months ago when I woke up with Bell's Palsey.  I was unsure of what was wrong and I kept working.  I kept pushing myself.  It was diagnosed a week later, after I thought I was starting to improve.  I had no concept of what was happening in my body, and no prior experience with this to know what to expect.  I am almost fully recovered now, thankfully.  I have continued to work throughout these months, out of necessity.  Maybe I should have rested more.  I am coming through this stronger, wiser and healthier.

It was one year ago this month when I had such a vivid nightmare about running in a long, seemingly unending marathon.  There was no sun.  No support.  No encouragement.  No water.  No sense of accomplishment.   I may go into more detail of this at a later date to show how it fits in to this journey.

My mind often races with so many thoughts.  I enjoy thinking and analyzing.  Many times, my mind analyzes when I may not need it to.  I am creative and when I feel balanced, this gift of creativity flows.  At times when I feel anxious or drained, this creativity is stifled.  Along with the regeneration of the nerve and muscles of my face, anxiety and depression have lessened.  My creativity increases.  I have had soooo many difficult days and nights yet I am making it through to better days.  

As humans, we have many life experiences.  Some we keep to ourselves and some we share.  I have found such strong support from my loved ones.  I've learned how important it is too connect with those loved ones.  I'm not great at summarizing.  I am better with details.  You are welcome to come along, though, and read of this journey.  There will be times we will laugh together, and maybe we will cry.  I am sure there will be times of encouragement and understanding.  I have learned so much and I continue to learn.  I was weak and I felt beaten down.  I am stronger now and I get stronger every day.  May the same be true for you.