Agitated.

Yesterday was Monday. Mondays have a reputation of being difficult for many. I dragged myself into work and feelings of frustration lingered all day. I felt the old familiar feeling of pressure and the feeling of 'No matter how much I accomplish, I can't keep up with all I have to do.' I was given a tedious project at work with an unrealistic deadline. I expressed the fact that I would work on it and I would let my supervisor know when it is completed. The preferred answer here would've have been a promise to complete it that day. From past experience, I knew this was unrealistic and I can only do the best I can. This is still an uncomfortable part for me. I worked on the project all day and a headache ensued. Frustration continued. My face started to hurt slightly. The main gist of this task was to clean up pages and pages of tenant information in excel. The initial information is pulled from a system by another department. We are told that we should obtain this data from this 'other' department so that there is one version of the truth....so that we receive accurate information. The problem is the data comes to me in a scrambled, sloppy way and with deadline pressure added, I have to fix it all. Yesterday, I kept thinking of how irritating it to me when others provide sloppy work and Melissa has to spend hours cleaning it up. (I have tried before to make suggestions to improve the process. I have questionned the lack of efficiency. This was not well received and the backwards processes continue.) I did not complete the task yesterday. I did the best I could and I left for the day. Even with the many thoughts of all that is left for me to do, in both my work and day to day personal life, I decided to order take out for dinner, watch some TV and go to bed early. I realized that part of my agitation is this phase I am in. I am building my own business and that takes time and energy. I am excited to be healthy again so I can express creativity and blossom again. I have so many exciting thoughts and next steps to see goals accomplished yet in the meantime, I feel trapped and stifled much of the work day. Today is Tuesday. I feel rested and ready to tackle this ominous project again. I expect to finish it in the next few hours. I found a new perspective today. In my humble opinion, I am damn good at solving problems and fixing layouts and verifying accuracy of data. So although the subject matter is dry to me, I will feel honored today that I can do this task with excellence. My supervisor called out sick and her boss ran to me to handle other tasks too today. I feel confident and wiser than before. I will continue to keep my wellness as top priority throughout this process. Stay tuned for exciting updates on my cookie business and my Arbonne International business =o)

Loved Ones

Some days feel so full. I would have liked to blog more over the recent months. I am still on this journey. Some days I fall. Some days I feel strong and enthusiastic. If there is a time when you wonder what's going on with "This Honeybee", you can be assured that I'm probably going through the ups and downs of life just like you. I want to continue to build my reader base, and be an encouragement to whoever crosses paths. Please share this blog. My learning to make healthy self care a priority is still in process. My cookie business is coming together, slow and steady. I am currently working my full time draining job while I also work part time on building my fortune. Arbonne is a tool for this and I am excited to be a part. I have so much opportunity and information to offer. For now, let's take a few moments to soak in this inspiration from my sweet niece Leah: One day last year, Leah and I were spending the afternoon together. We went to the mall and created stuffed animals. Then we went out to eat and enjoy icecream sundaes. Leah was only 2 at the time. As we were driving back to Leah's home, she happily said, "I can't wait to see Mommy and Daddy. I know they miss me and they will be so glad to see me!" Think about that. To know at such a young age that you are so loved is precious. There was no arrogance in Leah's statement. Just love. Sure enough, when we got to her home, she was hugged and welcomed back by Mommy and Daddy. Her eyes lit up with joy and when she entered the room, the eyes of her Mommy and Daddy lit up too. As I have been healing, emotionally and physically, it became very clear how some people take from me and they leave me feeling drained while others give to me and I feel loved and recharged as a result. We have some say in who we spend our time with. I encourage you to spend time with the ones who make your eyes light up. Who are the ones who you bring joy too when you enter the room? Let's cherish the beauty and strength that can come from loving. Thank you LEAH for always making my eyes light up and for being delighted to see me as well!

Ending The Madness

What is this self inside us, this silent observer, Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us And urge us on to futile activity And in the end, judge us still more severely For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us? - T.S. Eliot, The Elder Statesman It does take work to break the self-criticizing habits of a lifetime, but at the end of the day, you are only being asked to relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart... It's easier than you might think, and it could change your life. - Kristin Neff, Self Compassion - Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

Happy Day

I feel energetic happiness today.  Creativity is flowing too so I consider this a great day.  I want these days to be more consistent...not few and far between.  It has been another busy week at my full time job, however, it has not been as overwhelming as usual.  The workload is more bearable for a short time and I am savoring it. I am excited about my new business ventures and the more I focus on it, the more creative and excited I get.  I feel almost 100% healed.  My face doesn't feel strange or stiff as often when I am tired or feeling stressed.  The symmetry of my facial features is almost back to normal.  I am learning to face fear.  

Taking care of myself is a priority so other priorities and tasks are shifting.

Today I took a late lunch break to catch some of the beautiful day outside.  Stepping away and going out for a lunch break is atypical for me but I am trying to make it more of a habit.  I went to buy lunch and then went to browse for birthday gifts for my nephew and my niece.  The sun was bright and it was warm but not too hot.  I found fun, unique gifts.  I

 also bought scented markers and a drawing book for myself, along with a little ball that looks like a globe.  I realize now how I can find delight in childlike times.  I found scratch and sniff stickers in all sorts of scents.  Delightful.  I bought some for me and some for my niece...and then some.  

I went to the checkout area and waited for an associate.  A teacher approached with her hands full of school supplies.  Her hair was falling out of her ponytail.  She look frazzled.  I let her go ahead of me on the line after I saw she had placed a few other items on the counter earlier.  The associate asked, "What school do you work at?"  The teacher responded, "Oh, it's called Misery."  I said, "Really?  I work there too, but it's not a school."  We all laughed.  She finished paying and thanked me for letting her go ahead.  The kind gesture seemed to calm her a bit.  I paid for my goodies and went to my car to eat my lunch.  I returned to the office with one package of scratch and sniff stickers in hand.  I decided to share them.  I went to five different coworkers (after my work was done, of course...) and let them choose their own scratch and sniff sticker.  Each person was in the middle of pressure and frustrating work.  One woman was teary eyed because of a family situation she is also dealing with.  One woman hadn't slept for days because her one year old hasn't been sleeping much. Two were almost buried in paperwork, racing against the clock to solve problems before a deal closing.  Several of those women also have sleep deprivation.  Every one of them had a great big smile when I offered them a sticker.  I let them take one for themselves and one for each of their children.  I remember how much fun stickers used to be, and how almost every child likes them.   We quickly shushed our own laughter because there have been reprimands about laughter where we work.  I went back to my desk, thankful that I was able to bring joy to the people around me.  A small token to say, "I'm thinking of you" made a difference in the day for all of us.  

We went back to the grind but we felt a little stronger....a little lighter. 

Just Breath

These quotes and comments have also been helpful along the way... In the struggle of balance between working hard for a company and almost losing myself in the craze, I've noticed that some people and places drain from me and some people and places enrich and encourage me. When I make time to do things that are in alignment with the person I am (singing, playing instruments, laughing with family or friends, helping someone, feeling creativity flow, hosting a Kind Words party, baking, etc), I feel the positive effect. I feel healthy and happy. As I was talking with a massage therapist, she said, "When you do those kinds of things, you reclaim your life instead of just being a cog in someone else's wheel." In that same massage place, there are signs that say "Just Breath". I have to remember that. This is also meaningful to me: "There are two different types of people in the world. People that give energy and people that take energy..." - Jill Bolte Taylor "When you are knocked down and the odds are against you, just tune in to what you need and take care of what you need to do. You will be better off." - Oprah "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." -Lao Tzu "If the river has no rocks, it has no song." - Amish Proverb

Helpful Hints

One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging was to share my experiences and help others through similar struggles.  Anxiety became a struggle in the last two years and depression creeped in after Bell's Palsey did. I am so thankful for the gradual healing of my face and nervous system. I am also thankful for the love and strong support I have.  Part of my personality and my nature is striving for perfection and being hard on myself.  I am working through this and I am trying to learn to give myself more credit, instead of beating myself up and pushing myself too hard.  I remember how anxious I felt at the thought of returning to the office after working from home while recovering.  I was afraid I would lose ground and be sucked in and hurt again by the draining, toxic environment.  With the guidance of a psychotherapist, I began to list the tools I have now. I was re-entering the environment stronger than before and I was not alone. Some of the Tools that I listed were: Take breaks.  Drink water. Do the best you can and don't push yourself to finish everything immediately. Yoga.  Recharge with loved ones. Therapy. Listen to music more when possible. Take days off.  Give yourself more credit. On the day I was driving into the office for the first day back, a CD started playing in my car.  The song by Sade was so relevant and inspiring: "There's a long hard road ahead but something deep inside me said...It's gonna be alright."
 I repeated the song for the entire ride to work and felt its calming effect. I am determined to continue blogging here.  Even the thought of not writing each week bothers me.  It is on a long list in my mind of things I have to do.  One Saturday, as a friend and I were going out to eat lunch together, one of my friends said, "What's up with your blog? When are you going to write again??!"  I was irritated because it reminded me that I'm "behind" on that task. I responded abruptly with, "Why don't you try to work full time at my exact job and then keep up with a blog too!" She looked at me surprised and continued to say, "What I mean is the blog is a positive thing. It is well written and I enjoy reading it. I was wondering when you were going to write again." I felt a little better. I felt validated and a little more understood...and I was even more eager to write more.  I also felt a little bad for sounding snippy. It's hard for me to feel like I can't keep up with everything at once.  I used to sacrifice my time and my health to keep up. With a new perspective now, I am learning to keep my health and well being as a top priority. That means some other things are not important or they may have to wait.  It is a day by day journey. Sometimes a song will give me extra energy or inspiration. Sometimes it is a caring, genuine friend to ask how my day is or let me know they are thinking of me.  Sometimes it is fun adventures with my family that helps me feel better. Gratitude and deep breathing also help.  Dance classes have also been a great source of fun and freedom. Depression and anxiety are less now, thankfully.  I feel strongly that better days are ahead.  I am still in the thick of the struggle most days but I know I am going to get through it.  I look ahead to how far I want to go and I often think of all the things I did not get to do yet. In this moment though, I will take time to look back at how far I have come.
I CAN SMILE AGAIN!!! My eye closes on its own now, like it used to, and I can even whistle again. I do not have to stop to apply a heating pad and do face exercises every 2-3 hours anymore. All along, I completed my work and maintained my home and car. I am a new person and I will not be walked all over again. I was knocked down and the total knockout countdown started. I got back up though (again and again)and I'M NOT GIVING UP.  Thanks for reading my blog.  Feel free to comment.  May the blessings I've gained from the pain be meaningful to your life is many ways.

Vivid.

It has been a difficult adjustment returning to work in the office.  I am learning that if you want balance, sometimes you have to do the opposite.  I have reminders set on my calendar to take breaks, drink water, and "get outta here" at the end of the day.  It's very tiring.  I try to make time for fun events and time with friends and family because that is nurturing to me; the opposite of draining.  The opposite of hard work is rest and relaxation.  I am disappointed with myself that I don't get to the gym as often or I don't cook as often after a long day.  I was told ahead of time that this would probably be a process of two steps forward and three steps back.  Knowing that ahead of time was helpful because on days when I was too rushed to take breaks and neck and back pain returned, I told myself tomorrow will be a better day.  I try to keep looking ahead and not stay focused on what seems like backwards steps.  Sometimes I feel discouraged that I don't have life all figured out yet but who really does anyway?  My life is a work in progress and I continue to love, live and learn.

I introduced this blog mentioning part of my journey.  Let me bring you back in time to May 2012.  I was feeling stressed and kept getting up each day to drag myself to work in order to be responsible and be able to pay my bills.  After being overloaded with work for years, excitement was gone and motivation flickered away.  It was so draining that it was hard to do anything fun or creative after work or even on the weekends.  I was having recurring neck and back pain, tightness in my chest, a twitching eye, shortness of breath, lack of focus and fatigue.   I am thankful for a job but when it threatens health and well being, it is a problem.  For months, if I dreamed and remembered my dreams, they were often dreams of crisis where I was calmly helping others survive and escape from life threatening situations.  They were very intense and frightening.  In May, one morning I woke up from one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had:

I was running in a marathon.  It was a cold, gray day.  There were others running ahead of me, aside me and behind me.  There was no cheering or encouragement.  Nobody cheered along the sidelines.  We did not have water to drink and breaks were not allowed.  Some people ahead of me were falling down from fatigue or injury and nobody helped them up.  They were getting trampled.  The race was at a high speed and if anyone fell behind, there was a wooden plank being held in the rear of the marathon.  This was pushed into the backs of those who were falling behind.  There was no prize at the end of the race and no reason for running.  Yet everyone that was running felt obligated to keep pushing themselves. 

I was tired and fell to the back of the racing crowd.  I felt the wooden plank being pushed into my back.  I wanted to give up and fall down but I was afraid that the plank would hit my head and knock me out.  I knew that if I fell, I would not be helped.  Then suddenly the thought crossed my mind that I might be able to duck down quickly at the right time and be safe from the draining marathon and the wooden plank in my back.  I realized that the people holding the wooden plank were those in management.  Quickly, I ducked down and fell to the floor.  I ducked under the wooden plank and those holding it kept pushing ahead.  I felt peace and relief.  I saw those in the marathon keep moving ahead at a fast pace and nobody looked back to see that I was on the ground.  I wasn't hurt.  I was free.  I woke up from the dream at that minute and had to get ready to go to work.

The dream was a vivid expression of my job.  I realized that I needed to find the right time to exit.  Months later after still struggling with anxiety and stress symptoms connected to the job, I went to the Emergency Room and was diagnosed with Bells Palsey.  I am thankful now that I am almost fully healed.  I am still strategizing for the next steps and for better days ahead.  The rainbow posted on my blog is from one day when I was driving home from physical therapy.  I was sad because the neurologist said I was healing but it may be another six months or more before I was fully healed, and there could be permanent nerve damage.  When I saw the rainbow on the way home, it was a sign of hope to me.  Stay tuned because each day I get closer to the better days!