Happy Day

I feel energetic happiness today.  Creativity is flowing too so I consider this a great day.  I want these days to be more consistent...not few and far between.  It has been another busy week at my full time job, however, it has not been as overwhelming as usual.  The workload is more bearable for a short time and I am savoring it. I am excited about my new business ventures and the more I focus on it, the more creative and excited I get.  I feel almost 100% healed.  My face doesn't feel strange or stiff as often when I am tired or feeling stressed.  The symmetry of my facial features is almost back to normal.  I am learning to face fear.  

Taking care of myself is a priority so other priorities and tasks are shifting.

Today I took a late lunch break to catch some of the beautiful day outside.  Stepping away and going out for a lunch break is atypical for me but I am trying to make it more of a habit.  I went to buy lunch and then went to browse for birthday gifts for my nephew and my niece.  The sun was bright and it was warm but not too hot.  I found fun, unique gifts.  I

 also bought scented markers and a drawing book for myself, along with a little ball that looks like a globe.  I realize now how I can find delight in childlike times.  I found scratch and sniff stickers in all sorts of scents.  Delightful.  I bought some for me and some for my niece...and then some.  

I went to the checkout area and waited for an associate.  A teacher approached with her hands full of school supplies.  Her hair was falling out of her ponytail.  She look frazzled.  I let her go ahead of me on the line after I saw she had placed a few other items on the counter earlier.  The associate asked, "What school do you work at?"  The teacher responded, "Oh, it's called Misery."  I said, "Really?  I work there too, but it's not a school."  We all laughed.  She finished paying and thanked me for letting her go ahead.  The kind gesture seemed to calm her a bit.  I paid for my goodies and went to my car to eat my lunch.  I returned to the office with one package of scratch and sniff stickers in hand.  I decided to share them.  I went to five different coworkers (after my work was done, of course...) and let them choose their own scratch and sniff sticker.  Each person was in the middle of pressure and frustrating work.  One woman was teary eyed because of a family situation she is also dealing with.  One woman hadn't slept for days because her one year old hasn't been sleeping much. Two were almost buried in paperwork, racing against the clock to solve problems before a deal closing.  Several of those women also have sleep deprivation.  Every one of them had a great big smile when I offered them a sticker.  I let them take one for themselves and one for each of their children.  I remember how much fun stickers used to be, and how almost every child likes them.   We quickly shushed our own laughter because there have been reprimands about laughter where we work.  I went back to my desk, thankful that I was able to bring joy to the people around me.  A small token to say, "I'm thinking of you" made a difference in the day for all of us.  

We went back to the grind but we felt a little stronger....a little lighter. 

Just Breath

These quotes and comments have also been helpful along the way... In the struggle of balance between working hard for a company and almost losing myself in the craze, I've noticed that some people and places drain from me and some people and places enrich and encourage me. When I make time to do things that are in alignment with the person I am (singing, playing instruments, laughing with family or friends, helping someone, feeling creativity flow, hosting a Kind Words party, baking, etc), I feel the positive effect. I feel healthy and happy. As I was talking with a massage therapist, she said, "When you do those kinds of things, you reclaim your life instead of just being a cog in someone else's wheel." In that same massage place, there are signs that say "Just Breath". I have to remember that. This is also meaningful to me: "There are two different types of people in the world. People that give energy and people that take energy..." - Jill Bolte Taylor "When you are knocked down and the odds are against you, just tune in to what you need and take care of what you need to do. You will be better off." - Oprah "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." -Lao Tzu "If the river has no rocks, it has no song." - Amish Proverb

Helpful Hints

One of the reasons I wanted to start blogging was to share my experiences and help others through similar struggles.  Anxiety became a struggle in the last two years and depression creeped in after Bell's Palsey did. I am so thankful for the gradual healing of my face and nervous system. I am also thankful for the love and strong support I have.  Part of my personality and my nature is striving for perfection and being hard on myself.  I am working through this and I am trying to learn to give myself more credit, instead of beating myself up and pushing myself too hard.  I remember how anxious I felt at the thought of returning to the office after working from home while recovering.  I was afraid I would lose ground and be sucked in and hurt again by the draining, toxic environment.  With the guidance of a psychotherapist, I began to list the tools I have now. I was re-entering the environment stronger than before and I was not alone. Some of the Tools that I listed were: Take breaks.  Drink water. Do the best you can and don't push yourself to finish everything immediately. Yoga.  Recharge with loved ones. Therapy. Listen to music more when possible. Take days off.  Give yourself more credit. On the day I was driving into the office for the first day back, a CD started playing in my car.  The song by Sade was so relevant and inspiring: "There's a long hard road ahead but something deep inside me said...It's gonna be alright."
 I repeated the song for the entire ride to work and felt its calming effect. I am determined to continue blogging here.  Even the thought of not writing each week bothers me.  It is on a long list in my mind of things I have to do.  One Saturday, as a friend and I were going out to eat lunch together, one of my friends said, "What's up with your blog? When are you going to write again??!"  I was irritated because it reminded me that I'm "behind" on that task. I responded abruptly with, "Why don't you try to work full time at my exact job and then keep up with a blog too!" She looked at me surprised and continued to say, "What I mean is the blog is a positive thing. It is well written and I enjoy reading it. I was wondering when you were going to write again." I felt a little better. I felt validated and a little more understood...and I was even more eager to write more.  I also felt a little bad for sounding snippy. It's hard for me to feel like I can't keep up with everything at once.  I used to sacrifice my time and my health to keep up. With a new perspective now, I am learning to keep my health and well being as a top priority. That means some other things are not important or they may have to wait.  It is a day by day journey. Sometimes a song will give me extra energy or inspiration. Sometimes it is a caring, genuine friend to ask how my day is or let me know they are thinking of me.  Sometimes it is fun adventures with my family that helps me feel better. Gratitude and deep breathing also help.  Dance classes have also been a great source of fun and freedom. Depression and anxiety are less now, thankfully.  I feel strongly that better days are ahead.  I am still in the thick of the struggle most days but I know I am going to get through it.  I look ahead to how far I want to go and I often think of all the things I did not get to do yet. In this moment though, I will take time to look back at how far I have come.
I CAN SMILE AGAIN!!! My eye closes on its own now, like it used to, and I can even whistle again. I do not have to stop to apply a heating pad and do face exercises every 2-3 hours anymore. All along, I completed my work and maintained my home and car. I am a new person and I will not be walked all over again. I was knocked down and the total knockout countdown started. I got back up though (again and again)and I'M NOT GIVING UP.  Thanks for reading my blog.  Feel free to comment.  May the blessings I've gained from the pain be meaningful to your life is many ways.